The Things You Carry

The Things I Carry

I carry the guilt of helping raise my brothers the wrong way, the regret of not showing them love and patience in my younger years. I carry my mother’s guilt of separating us from our father with the divorce. I carry my father’s loneliness, his wanting to be loved, and his needing to see his children grow up. I carry my mother’s longing to have a house again and to remarry and have a stable life. I carry with me the pain of the people with low self-esteem. I carry my lack of confidence and self-esteem. I carry my concern for my little brother because he is gaining too much weight and he can’t handle “fat jokes”. I carry my concern for my father’s depression. I carry my anger against UCI Hospital for not taking care of my mother’s first baby delivery. She lost her baby boy because of them. I carry stress over my dad not being able to pay his bills. I carry the most anxious feeling hoping I get enough money for my tuition for all of my schooling. I carry the hope to get my parents and my siblings out of our bad situation. I carry the hope for my mom and dad to somehow love each other again and for them to get married again. I carry my increasing weight, and my thoughts of me being ugly. I carry my make-up with me to hide face from the world. I carry my covered up clothes to hide my imperfections. I carry my laziness to commit to working out. I carry the guilt of eating unhealthy while my mom wastes time telling me not to. I carry the feeling that I am annoying to people around me by saying the bad things about myself; my eating habits, my appearance…
I always carry with me my morals and values. I carry the guilt of having bought a cheese burger with fries and a coke when I don’t even have money for art supplies… I carry the guilt for asking for my mom’s lunch money to be able to buy school supplies. I carry the longing for us to win the jackpot. I carry my precaution to not lose my textbooks. I carry the sadness of not being able to keep my beautiful school textbooks to sell them for money. I carry the guilt of me not ever taking an interest in cars or driving; family sometimes needs my help. I carry my faith, compassion, and my respect toward others. I carry God with me to protect me from harm.